• Val

Day 19 – It’s not about you

Updated: 21 hours ago


Today, I watched a really interesting interview with Gabor Maté on Tim Ferris’s YouTube channel.


Gabor makes the point that the feelings we often feel about situations that happen to us are born out of our own feelings of inadequacy and/or hurt, rather than being the intention of the person or people involved in the situation.


I had to process this one long and hard.


I felt as though someone recently in my life had not cared or respected me because of the things they did which caused me deep hurt and which resonated with my childhood trauma.


Although I perceived this as being disrespectful and uncaring towards me, today I realised that this was not about me.


This was not a display of disrespect or lack of care per se. This was a display of something else for that person.


Did it hurt me? Hell yeah! It resonated with the hurt, lack of trust and lack of respect I felt as a child. This is why I think it sparked the PTSD symptom to re-activate. My mind connected to the parallels created in this situation which echoed what happened within the original trauma.


My internalised fears were that in both situations the behaviour meant a conscious lack of love, respect and trust as the intent on their part. However, this was my perception of the situation and not an objective truth about it from the perspective of the other person involved.


I internalised the feelings of hurt and told myself a story about that hurt. We tell ourselves stories as a way to make sense of the things that happen to us. These stories are often not close to what is happening in reality. In the original trauma the feelings made me feel as though I was not worthy of love, care and respect. I internalised these and this played out in my life for many years as low self-esteem and lack of love and compassion for myself. I felt the abuse was in some way my fault.


In both the original trauma and in the situation more recently, it wasn’t about me though.


I was just on the receiving end of someone else’s behaviour driven by an internal emotion for them. The internal emotion driving their behaviour was not designed to actively show me disrespect or lack of appropriate care, despite it looking that way from my perspective. There will have been a deeper and personal emotional drive that made them act the way they did which was independent of me.


Forgiveness for others and compassion for ourselves is, I believe, key in the healing process.


When we hold on to anger and hurt caused by others, all we do is further hurt ourselves. If we can forgive them and love ourselves we can move forward more peacefully.


Understanding that what someone else does to us is not about us is useful in being able to find forgiveness. When we forgive that doesn't mean we need to accept that person in our lives, but it means we can let go of the hurt their behaviour caused us.


It feels very empowering to have this understating and I am hoping that it will help me move forward in my healing. I feel compassion towards both the person more recently and my abuser for whatever it is they are/were dealing with that made them act in the way they did.


I have compassion for myself as I realise I am worthy of respect, care and love.


I am grateful for having the opportunity to work this through in my own mind today. I feel more peace inside than I have felt over the weeks since this recent situation unfolded. I am hopeful for the weeks ahead as I continue to move forward in my journey.


Whatever anyone does that upsets you, remember, it’s not about you.


We don’t’ respond to what happens, we respond to our perception of what happens.

Gabor Maté

Day 19 - 365 Day Journal


Reflections


PTSD Symptom

A day without the symptom… wooooohoooo! 😀


Friday Night

Things that were awesome today:

  • I really enjoyed my morning coaching sessions with clients.

  • I had an awesome walk outside with a friend.

  • I was stoked that my heart rate was more settled today. I had the same rowing workout as Monday and my heart rate was lower at a faster pace – this is a great sign that the stress is easing.


Saturday Morning

Things that I am grateful for:

I am very grateful for the opportunities to speak out about my experiences. Today I will be speaking with a client of mine, Crissie. I will add the link to the appearances section on my website for anyone that would like to listen in.

Health Dashboard

Caffeine, Alcohol & Alcohol Free Beverages

0











Fitness


Low Intensity

Running, Indoor Rowing


High Intensity

-


Strength & Mobility

Front squat and back squat plus mobility and flexibility



Veggies & Fruit


Onion

Mushrooms

Garlic

Red cabbage

Tomato

Turmeric

Cucumber

Kale

Spinach

Banana

Strawberries

Meditation & Mindfulness

Morning – Silent meditation

Before bed – Guided meditation












Day - 365 Day Journal 18


Reflections


PTSD Symptom

I got triggered on Thursday afternoon. It was much milder than it has been so I was less anxious with it and was able to get to sleep ok on Thursday night. The symptom is firing off all over the place at the moment though which is a bit challenging to navigate. I am managing to stay compassionate with myself though which I think is helping.


Thursday Night

Things that were awesome today:

I had a lovely lunchtime catch up with my friend Andy and a nice evening walk with my friend Sarah. It was amazing to be out in nature on such a beautiful sunny and warm Spring day.



Friday Morning

Things that I am grateful for:

  • I am grateful for having an open mind and being able to engage in the therapy that I am. Yesterday’s therapy session was really good and useful.

  • I am grateful for being able remain clam despite having a disrupted night’s sleep – I think the things we discussed in therapy was processing in my mind during the night which caused a bit of disruption. I was pleased that I did not let myself get overly anxious about the disturbed sleep.

Health Dashboard

Caffeine, Alcohol & Alcohol Free Beverages

0











Fitness


Low Intensity

Bike


High Intensity

Indoor Row


Strength & Mobility

-




Veggies & Fruit


Onion

Mushrooms

Garlic

Red cabbage

Lettuce

Tomato

Turmeric

Cucumber

Kale

Spinach

Banana Strawberry


Meditation & Mindfulness

Morning – Silent meditation

Before bed – Guided meditation











I ask all readers to be respectful. This is an honest and heart-felt account of the struggle I have incurred.

I thank you in advance for your respect and kindness and I encourage you to sign up to my mailing list so I can notify you about new blog updates.

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in my blogs please get in touch. Your conversations with me will remain confidential. Please note that I am not a therapist but I can support you to find a way to address any issues you may be experiencing.




Copyright 2021 Val Craft – All Rights Reserved

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